Top 10 Things Future Generations Will be Confused By with Jordan

Future Week concludes with this dystopic and delightful glimpse seventy years hence, as Teddy and his good friend Jordan attempt to predict which currently-normal facets of society our great-grandchildren will find baffling. Exciting debates include: Why would any child ever watch baseball? How close are we to a super-creepy resurgence of Eugenics? And, nerds: are they the trailblazers of tomorrow, or a big ol' waste of space?

TEDDY'S RANKINGS

10. Steve Harvey (and Steve Harvey morality)
9. Soda
8. Baseball
7. Catholic school
6. Superhero movies
5. The worshipping of data
4. Dilbert (and comic strips in general)
3. Weathermen
2. Homework
1. Doctor's office toys

JORDAN'S RANKINGS

10. Exercise
9. Religions other than Christianity
8. Hockey
7. Society's lack of Eugenics
6. Board games
5. Deciding if you like someone
4. Nostalgia (amended to "plates")
3. The financial crisis
2. Homelessness
1. How easy it is to get away with crime

Top 7 Things We'd Like to See on the New iPhone with Jefferson Graham

It's *spooky alien noise* Future Week! In this ranking, Teddy speculates on the very near future with USA Today tech columnist Jefferson Graham, host of the acclaimed podcast Talking Tech. Teddy and Jeff look ahead to this September's likely launch of the new iPhone 8, and suggest some useful and absurd features they'd like to see on the device, including unbreakable glass, Minority Report-like hand motion sensors, and a multiracial pope emoji. 

TEDDY'S RANKINGS

7. New emojis! (dinosaur, smiley with teeth missing, realistic gun, multiracial pope, multiracial barrister, Buddha, a baboon's butt, etc.)
6. I want my headphone jack back, Jack!
5. Fun photo tricks (ability to make GIF in-camera, in-camera scanner, rudimentary Photoshop -- ability to cut out heads and put them on other peoples' bodies)
4. super-heightened security/privacy (little lens cap)
3. Car mode (opt-in)
2. More intuitive photo organization (Autotrader.com commercials)
1. Minority Report-style hand motions (especially while driving)

JEFFERSON'S RANKINGS

7. Get rid of the home button
6. Real zoom in the camera
5. 24-hour battery
4. Expandable memory/storage
3. I want my headphone jack back, Jack!
2. Involuntary car mode (GPS knows where you are)
1. Unbreakable glass

Top 5 Disney Remakes We'd Rather See with Emma

Somebody’s poisoned the watering hole! In recent years, Disney has been on a mi$$ion to remake seemingly all of their animated classics, and yet if Beauty and the Beast was any indication, most of these films are destined to be, well, poor and unfortunate. Luckily, Teddy andEmma have taken it upon themselves to bring back the magic by pitching and ranking the top five Disney live-action remakes they’d *rather* see. Films include the Oscar-bait tearjerker “Dopey,” a rockin’ new reboot of “Captain Eo,” and the Nancy Meyers love-triangle romcom, “… What About Kocoum?!"

TEDDY'S RANKINGS
5. Pleasure Island (Lars Von Trier)
4. What About Kocoum? (Nancy Meyers)
3. Dopey (Tom Hooper)
2. When Somebody Loved Me... (Sam Taylor-Johnson)
1. Der Fuehrer's Face (Quentin Tarantino)

EMMA'S RANKINGS
5. The Aristocats
4. Yzma
3. Pleasure Island
2. Captain Eo
1. Disney War -- Michael Eisner's downfall with an all-female, all-animated cast

Top 8 Creative Mindhacks with Brian

What is a creative mindhack? Renowned mindhackologist -- and Teddy's brother-in-law -- Brian describes them as ways of expanding your consciousness (without the use of drugs). Join Teddy and Brian, a.k.a. "Count Curioso", as they rank their top eight cathartic and kooky mind-expanding techniques. Topics include Tarot divination, Al Roker, and imagining yourself as a clone of yourself.

 

TEDDY'S RANKINGS

8. Considering an animal's POV
7. Status dynamics (improv)
6. Casting director game
5. Looking at tall buildings
4. Parallel universes
3. 1 Second Everyday app
2. Betty Plum/Character game
1. 10 Year Journal

BRIAN'S RANKINGS

8. Memory palace/memory journeys
7. Power stances
6. Popping mental soap bubbles
5. Dreamwalk
4. Binaural beats
3. Imagining yourself as a clone of yourself
2. Tarot divination/positive paranoia
1. Active imagination/dream interpretation

 

Top 7 Unwritten Dating Rules (That You Should Break) with Molina

Unleash your inner CosmoGirl! Teddy is joined by close friend and Stanford d.school lecturer Andrew Molina to count down the top seven unwritten dating rules (that you should probably break). Topics include the importance of checking in with yourself (a.k.a. "pulling a Molina,") the fear associated with "showing your crazy," and only about two or three anecdotes that will threaten to end Teddy's marriage before it even begins.

TEDDY'S RANKINGS

7. Fear the family!
6. Money matters!
5. Show off your skills!
4. Chivalry... it's alive!
3. Oh no! Our first fight! Honeymoon's over!
2. Don't drop the L-bomb!
1. Wear scar concealer!

MOLINA'S RANKINGS

7. The guy should make the first move
6. Time-based rules (time between relationships, first kiss, first sex)
5. Your first date should involve no effort
4. Don't rock the boat too early/Don't show the crazy
3. Break-ups should be clean
2. Being rejected is bad
1. You "should" be dating/There's a right way
to date/dating is the most important thing.

Top 7 #ResistanceReads with Kit

Teddy is joined by his sister Kit to rank their top seven #ResistanceReads -- the non-fiction books and novels that have become particularly resonant in this weird, wild age of Trump. Topics discussed include the scary hilarity of Russian reality TV, why Glenn Greenwald is surprisingly just like a middle school girl, and how Monica Lewinsky saved social security.

TEDDY'S RANKINGS

7. The Prize: Who's In Charge of America's Schools? by Dale Russakoff
6. Listen, Liberal: Or, What Ever Happened to the Party of the People? by Thomas Frank
5. No Place to Hide: Edward Snowden, the NSA, and the U.S. Surveillance State by Glenn Greenwald
4. The Divide: American Injustice in the Age of the Wealth Gap and Insane Clown President: Dispatches from the 2016 Circus by Matt Taibbi
3. Parting the Waters: America in the King Years 1954-1963 by Taylor Branch
2. Nothing is True and Everything is Possible: the Surreal Heart of the New Russia by Peter Pomerantsev
1. The Unwinding: An Inner History of the New America by George Packer

KIT'S RANKINGS

7. Washington Journal: Reporting Watergate and Richard Nixon's Downfall by Elizabeth Drew
6. Ghettoside: A True Story of Murder in America by Jill Leovy
5. Kindred by Octavia Butler
4. Nothing to Envy: Ordinary Lives in North Korea by Barbara Demick and Without You, There is No Us: My Time with the Sons of North Korea's Elite by Suki Kim
3. The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness by Michelle Alexander
2. Nothing is True and Everything is Possible: the Surreal Heart of the New Russia by Peter Pomerantsev
1. Strangers in Their Own Land: Anger and Mourning on the American Right by Arlie Russell Hochschild

Top 10 Mother-Son Duos of All Time with Cheri

As a way-too early Mother's Day gift, Teddy welcomes his mom Cheri onto the podcast to celebrate the top ten mother-son duos of all time. Topics covered include Marc Chagall's bizarre obsession with his mother's "rubbery legs," the highly controversial Barbra Streisand-Will Smith debate of 2009, and the magical mother-son audio clip that makes Teddy's manhood shrivel up and fly away, never to return.

CHERI'S RANKINGS

10. Marc Chagall & his mother
9. Aladdin & Ma
8. Ma & Jack, Room
7. Angela Lansbury & Lawrence Harvey, The Manchurian Candidate
6. Gertrude & Hamlet
5. Cher & Chaz Bono
4. Barbra Streisand & Jason Gould
3. Gloria Vanderbilt & Anderson Cooper
2. Cheri & Teddy Steinkellner
1. Jesus & Mary/Mother & Son from I'll Love You Forever

TEDDY'S RANKINGS

10. Mike Pence & his wife
9. The Giving Tree & Boy, The Giving Tree
8. Alex Portnoy & Mother, Portnoy's Complaint
7. Barbra Streisand & Seth Rogen, The Guilt Trip
6. Eva & Kevin Khatchadourian, We Need to Talk About Kevin
5. Ma & Jack, Room
4. Cheri & Teddy Steinkellner
3. Mother & Son from I'll Love You Forever
2. Norman & Norma Bates
1. Oedipus Rex & Jocasta

Top 10 Fictional Basketball Players with Jake

In honor of March Madness and the upcoming NBA playoffs, Teddy and his best friend/best man Jake count down the top ten fictional basketball players of all-time. Discussions include the "I score, you strip" trope in modern hoops cinema, LeBron's desperate, childlike need for attention, and the sad and mysterious disappearance of Wayne Knight.

JAKE'S RANKINGS

10. Quincy McCall (Love & Basketball) - Omar Epps
9. Nate Wilson (Eddie) - John Salley
8. Billy Hoyle (White Men Can't Jump) - Woody Harrelson
7. Calvin Cambridge (Like Mike) - Lil Bow Wow
6. Lewis Scott (Celtic Pride) - Damon Wayans
5. Jesus Shuttlesworth (He Got Game) - Ray Allen
4. Pound the Monstar (Space Jam) - Darnell Suttles
3. Neon Boudeux (Blue Chips) - Shaquille O'Neal
2. Teen Wolf/Scott Howard (Teen Wolf) - Michael J. Fox
1. Elliot Richards (Bedazzled) - Brendan Fraser

TEDDY'S RANKINGS

10. Chubby (Teen Wolf) - Mark Holton
9. Jake Shuttlesworth (He Got Game) - Denzel Washington
8. Moses Guthrie (The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh) - Dr. J
7. Blanko the Monstar (Space Jam) - Steve Kehela
6. Heidi and Heather Burge (Double Teamed) - Annie McElwain and Poppi Monroe
5. Frequency Vibrations (NBA 2k16)
4. Ricky Roe (Blue Chips) - Matt Nover
3. Takashi (NBA Street)
2. Billy Hoyle (White Men Can't Jump) - Woody Harrelson
1. The "you ain't Charles Barkley" girl (Space Jam) - Nicky McCrimmon
 

Top 8 Annoying Things People do on Instagram with Courtney

Teddy welcomes on fiancée and fellow judger of social media behavior, Courtney, for a candid discussion of the top eight annoying things people do on Instagram. Topics include: the political urgency of the tiny finger hand movement, the Oedipal compulsion that many millennials have to post photos of their parents as young sexy people, and Court and Ted's Woodward-and-Bernstein-like investigation into the shocking truth about essential oils.

COURTNEY'S RANKINGS

8. A caption musing about life which is really just so you can post a bathing suit selfie
7. Bad quality photos (thumb in the corner)
6. A Boomerang of clinking glasses
5. Problem sponsorships (Flat Tummy Tea, Sugar Bear Hair, morning sickness pills)
4. Palm trees against an LA sky ("Sky Guys")
3. Swipes that are basically just the same photo three times
2. THIS. MAN. IS. A. FEMINIST. pics
1. Tagging your clothing brands when you're not a fashion blogger

TEDDY'S RANKINGS

8. Hefe
7. Peer pressuring others into doing their civic duty ("I voted" stickers)
6. When animal accounts become too aware of their own celebrity
5. #tbts as a backdoor into self-bragging
4. When people post a #tbt of their young, sexy parents
3. THIS. MAN. IS. A. FEMINIST. pics
2. Essential oils
1. Making yourself part of someone else's death narrative

Top 10 Debut Performances with Emma

To celebrate the premiere episode of New Rankings, Teddy welcomes little sister Emma on to debate the top ten debut performances across music, film, and life itself. Topics discussed include: Emma's newfound passion for pick-up artistry, the trouble with Graham crackers and little boys, and Teddy's theory that Susan Boyle could win an Oscar if only given the chance.

EMMA'S RANKINGS

10. Bruno Mars as Little Elvis, Honeymoon in Vegas
9. "Oklahoma!", the first narrative musical
8. Pilot episode of Jem and the Holograms
7. Pilot episode of The Facts of Life
6. First episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show
5. "Rapper's Delight" by the Sugarhill Gang
4. Baby Mozart, "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star"
3. ABBA on EuroVision
2. Susan Boyle on Britain's Got Talent!
1. The Graham cracker


 

TEDDY'S RANKINGS

10. Jean-Claude Van Damme in Breakin'
9. Michael Jackson, the first time he displayed talent
8. The guitar kid from Deliverance
7. Toddler Mozart, "Minuet"
6. Quvenzhané Wallis, Beasts of the Southern Wild
5. Lindsay Lohan, The Parent Trap
4. Sarah Palin, the 2008 election
3. Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird
2. Teddy Steinkellner, New Rankings with Teddy!
1. Susan Boyle, Britain's Got Talent!