Top 10 Inspirational Animals with Sylvie

Balto. Baby Fiona. Christian. Harambe. Lamby. We know their stories. We weep when they die. We give them new life with our memes. But which of these animals inspires us the most? Whose paw is proudest of all? In this episode, Teddy and his good friend, literary agent Sylvie Greenberg, rank the top ten inspirational animals, from malformed cuties to unlikely Christ figures. Topics discussed include Mike Tyson's pigeons, 9/11 hero dogs (and their clones), the best British department stores for purchasing lions, and Teddy's creepy fondness for Anne Geddes babies.

TEDDY'S RANKINGS

10. Lil Bunny Sue Roux the armless cat
9. Gemina the broken-neck giraffe
8. Lamby, Lena Dunham's ex-toy dog
7. Tarra the elephant & Bella the dog, unlikely best friends
6. P-22 the Griffith Park mountain lion
5. Fiona the baby hippo
4. Hachiko the loyal Akita
3. "The BLT" -- Shere Khan the tiger, Baloo the bear, & Leo the lion
2. Christian the lion
1. Harambe

SYLVIE'S RANKINGS

10. Online animal cam phenomenon
9. William Wegman's dogs
8. Christopher Hogwood the pig & Athena the octopus
7. "No animals were harmed in the making of this film"
6. Medical dogs
5. Mike Tyson's pigeons
4. "Man finds kitten during 12 mile walk home after flat tire"
3. Balto the sled dog
2. Presidential pets
1. Animals who find their way home

Top 9 Weirdest Things About Reality with Brian

Do you ever just stare at your feet and think, "whoa... I have feet"? Then this is the podcast for you! Join Teddy and his brother-in-law Brian Aspell, a.k.a. "Count Curioso," as they rank the top nine weirdest things about reality. Topics include circadian rhythms, circumcision, the base ten system, the blurry distinction between self and non-self, and, naturally, Jerry Seinfeld's forty-year practice of transcendental meditation.

TEDDY'S RANKINGS

9. The emotional attachment to the base ten system
8. Brisses/circumcision
7. Jewels/engagement rings
6. How little we know about our ancestors
5. Coffee rituals
4. Smiling
3. Beyoncé worship/celebrity idolatry
2. Erotic stimuli (especially as they relate to evolution/Darwinian fitness)
1. Being alive, right now, in this moment, in 2017

BRIAN'S RANKINGS

9. Molecular biology
8. Animal intelligence
7. Reality tunnels
6. The blurry distinction between self and non-self
5. Film/media-saturated consciousness
4. The recency of some inventions that are crucial to how we live
3. Circadian rhythms/sleep
2. The concept of nothingness
1. Banality

Top 8 Most Shocking Hollywood Deaths with Scott Michaels

Teddy and Courtney go all the way next door to hunt down this episode's expert, Scott Michaels, the founder of Dearly Departed Tours in LA. Together, they rank the top eight most shocking deaths in Hollywood history, covering such topics as the Benedict Canyon curse, Jayne Mansfield's death car, and the four most terrifying words in the English language: "sex with Prince Charles." Please learn more about Scott and his business at dearlydepartedtours.com, or follow him on Twitter @LADeathTrip! 

TEDDY & COURTNEY'S RANKINGS

8. Virginia Rappe
7. Rebecca Schaeffer
6. George Reeves
5. Michael Jackson
4. Jayne Mansfield
3. Elizabeth Short "The Black Dahlia" 
2. Natalie Wood
1. Sharon Tate, Jay Sebring, & co.

SCOTT'S RANKINGS

8. Judith Barsi
7. James Dean
6. Jayne Mansfield
5. John Lennon
4. Sharon Tate, Jay Sebring, & co.
3. JFK Jr.
2. Michael Jackson
1. Princess Diana

Top 10 Sequels with Kevin Best

In this bloated, self-indulgent, cash grab of an episode, Teddy and his guest Kevin Best rank the top ten bloated, self-indulgent, cash grab movie sequels of all time! Important questions include: Why has everyone forgotten about Austin Powers? Is Godfather II actually that good? And of course, what the hell is an electric boogaloo? Also, don't forget to check out Kevin's podcast "Sequel Rewrite" for more of his scorching hot sequel takes!

TEDDY'S RANKINGS

10. John Wick: Chapter 2
9. Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me
8. Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo
7. Furious 7
6. Aliens
5. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
4. Rocky IV
3. Toy Story 2
2. The Godfather Part II
1. Before Sunset

KEVIN'S RANKINGS

10. Captain America: The Winter Soldier
9. The Road Warrior
8. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
7. Logan
6. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
5. Star Wars: The Force Awakens
4. The Dark Knight
3. The Empire Strikes Back
2. Aliens
1. Terminator 2: Judgment Day

Top 10 Logos with Nic

They're beautiful, they're everywhere, they're always watching you, even in your dreams... logos! In this episode, Teddy and his friend, poet Nic Reiner, rank their top ten logos in the world of business and beyond. Discussion topics include pantsless animals playing sports, happy ethnic food people, and all of the controversy surrounding a certain child's exposed, pale butt...

Top 8 Hottest Hunks of History with Lindsey

Did you exist in the 1800s? Do you have pallid skin and sad eyes? Did you die before age 25 of typhoid, or mumps? Then you just might be featured in this episode! Teddy and his good friend Lindsey Toiaivao hop in the DeLorean and rank the top eight hottest hunks in all of history. Discussion topics include jellied eels, imperial cucking, and Grigori Rasputin's famous "anteater's head."

TEDDY'S LIST

8. Franklin Pierce
7. Jack Johnson
6. Cyrus the Great
5. Grigori Rasputin*
4. The Four Most Handsome Men of China (Pan An, Song Yu, Prince of Lan Ling, Wei Jie)
3. Malcolm X*
2. Julius Caesar*
1. Publius Clodius Pulcher*

Honorable Mentions: John Brown, sexy Popes

LINDSEY'S LIST

8. Napoleon II*
7. William Cathcart
6. Almanzo Wilder
5. Vivien Thomas
4. Albert Ball*
3. Nathan Hale*
2. Tsar Nicholas II*
1. Philip Hamilton*

Honorable Mentions: Lord Byron, Louis Ballatt "Kid Blink," Johannes Brahms

* = tragic/young death

Top 11 Candies with Bill

At long last, Bill Steinkellner -- Teddy's hilarious father and the world's foremost confectionery hoarder -- joins New Rankings to count down the top eleven types of candy. Discussion topics include the weird proliferation of candy body parts, Teddy's grassroots campaign to bring back the Creme Saver, and whether Bill has or has not in fact tried any new candies since the year 1963.

TEDDY'S RANKINGS

11. Jolly Ranchers
10. Pop Rocks
9. Gushers
8. Whoppers/Malteasers
7. Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans
6. Gummi weirdness (sharks, burgers, penis, teeth, eggs, Venus de Milo, giant bear on a stick)
5. Candy cigarettes
4. Werther's caramels
3. Peanut butter M&M's
2. Creme Savers
1. Peach Rings

BILL'S RANKINGS

11. Root beer barrels
10. The waxed family (lips, teeth, mustache, thumb)
9. Round gum ("Sputnik" gum)
8. Candy lipstick
7. Tutti Frutti chiclets/Seven Up bars
6. Sixlets (with milk!)
5. Candy buttons
4. Chocolate Babies
3. Combos (Good n Plenty w/ Luden's cough drops, Cert's fruit flavor w/ Walgreen's pink mints)
2. Flying Saucers
1. Jawbusters (RED & PURPLE ONLY)

Top 7 Lifehacks with Dio

What *is* a lifehack? According to Teddy's good friend, Slack designer Diogenes "Dio" Brito, lifehacks are little strategies for altering your environment in order to optimize your efficiency and enjoyment of life. According to Teddy, they're... well, Teddy doesn't really know what they are, but he sure likes his Squatty Potty a lot. Other lifehacks discussed on this episode: the Marie Kondo folding method, blue-blocking sunglasses for phone usage at night, and a free, tasty beverage known as "Chipotle Fresca."

TEDDY'S RANKINGS

7. Treat yo' self (restaurant candies, "Chipotle Fresca")
6. You're being too loud! ... And that's okay (earplugs, subtitles)
5. Cool car safety! (lumbar support, magnetic phone mount)
4. Podcasting in the elements (phone in a bowl, Ziploc baggie for shower phone)
3. ZeroUV glasses
2. Make a game of it!
1. Squatty Potty

DIO'S RANKINGS

7. A place for everything, and everything in its place (the Tripcase app)
6. The Travel Package
5. Sleep more (Amber/ZeroUV glasses, Nightshift, Flux)
4. Spark joy (Marie Kondo folding method)
3. Buy from a single, unlabeled brand (Uniqlo, Bonobos)
2. Automate everything
1. Frontload your decision-making (or, a shoehorn)

Top 10 Rules for Being Cool in High School (10 Years Ago) with Courtney

Two Roads Month* concludes as Teddy and Courtney log onto their LiveJournals, don their funniest Jesus t-shirts, and rank the top ten rules for being cool in high school (ten years ago). Topics include hickeys, hotboxing, cyberbullying, and Teddy's traumatic appearance in teen court. Featuring bonus content from both Teddy and Courtney's emo high school diaries! 

*Two Roads Month = a month-long on-air celebration of Teddy’s new YA novel, Two Roads From Here, on sale from Simon & Schuster RIGHT NOW. Buy your copy in stores or online!

TEDDY'S RANKINGS

10. Get mired in a cheating scandal!
9. Ditches. Get. Stitches.
8. Dance like no one's wearing pants.
7. Fight. For your right. To a thuuuug life!
6. Write down your innermost thoughts. Show everybody. (LiveJournal)
5. Don't be a bully. Be a cyber-bully. (Tedsticles Shmeinkellner)
4. Host a sleepover. A... co-ed sleepover!
3. Reduce. Reuse. Recycle. (Leadership)
2. Love Christ
1. Make some neeewwww rankings!

COURTNEY'S RANKINGS

10. Get out of P.E.
9. Break curfew until they stop giving you a curfew
8. Catfish at least one person
7. Be the one with the big, cruddy car
6. Hotbox that big, cruddy car
5. Do kiss and tell
4. Be a water baby
3. Never, ever walk around with a visible hickey
2. Be kind. You just don't know.
1. Join the nerdiest academic club there is

Top 10 Rules for Being Cool in High School (in 2017) with Emma

Suh, fam! #thatawkwardmoment when a couple of ignorant bihs try to interpret Millennial culture and it's high-key sus AF but also low-key lit... In this episode, Teddy is joined by Emma in order to translate the previous sentence and also to rank the top ten rules for being cool in high school in the year 2017. Topics include Promposals, purple hug squads, the shocking rise of communism, and the even more shocking rise of... cool parents?! 

***P.S. Don't forget -- it's Two Roads Month, a month-long on-air celebration of Teddy’s new YA novel, Two Roads From Here, out from Simon & Schuster this June 20th. Order your copy now!

TEDDY'S RANKINGS

10. Play with toys originally designed to help autistic children (fidget spinners, etc.)
9. Wear an outfit that exposes a thin sliver of skin
8. Stage the perfect Promposal
7. Make a video of yourself playing video games and narrating it
6. Make human memes
5. Express your "creativity"
4. What's realer than reality? ...Augmented reality
3. Qui all your wors halfwa thru
2. Peace. Land. Bread. (Communism)
1. MAKE. DANK. MEMES.

EMMA'S RANKINGS

10. Know your brand hotness
9. Know your #squad tiers
8. If you’re going to be bad, be bad to the bone. If you’re going to be good, be good to the gizzard.
7. Your musical is just waiting to happen
6. No one cares who or if you’re dating
5. It’s not what you wear, it’s how you wear it
4. Trend alert: PARENTS?!
3. Be the meme you wish to see in the world
2. Have a passion for passion
1. Respect you inner kid, respect your inner adult

Top 8 Tom Cruise Performances with Jake

Fidelio, Suppressive Persons! While a few good men may argue that Tom Cruise has lost that lovin' feelin', Teddy and Jake feel he's made all the right moves, and that to call him anything but a master of the muffin would be galactically stupid. So to honor the release of his upcoming film The Mummy, they're ranking the top eight Tom Cruise performances ever. Discussion topics include Tom's magic divorce number, his best beach-sex scenes, and whether it would be more enjoyable to live in the Cruiseverse or the Keith Urbanverse. 

***P.S. Don't forget -- it's Two Roads Month, a month-long on-air celebration of Teddy’s new YA novel, Two Roads From Here, out from Simon & Schuster this June 20th. Order your copy now!

TEDDY'S RANKINGS

8. Mitch McDeere, The Firm
7. Det. John Anderton, Minority Report and Ethan Hunt, Mission Impossible series
6. Lt. Daniel Kaffee, A Few Good Men
5. Jerry Maguire, Jerry Maguire
4. Dr. Bill Harford, Eyes Wide Shut
3. Lt. Pete "Maverick" Mitchell, Top Gun
2. Brian Flanagan, Cocktail
1. Tom Cruise as Tom Cruise, real life

JAKE'S RANKINGS

8. Dr. Bill Harford, Eyes Wide Shut
7. Tom Cruise as Tom Cruise, real life
6. Frank T.J. Mackey, Magnolia
5. Roy Miller, Knight & Day
4. Lt. Col. Bill Cage, Edge of Tomorrow
3. Lt. Daniel Kaffee, A Few Good Men
2. Jerry Maguire, Jerry Maguire
1. Les Grossman, Tropic Thunder

Top 7 Graduation Speeches with Cheri

Congrats, grads! Four crazy years -- you made it! But... you're still woefully ignorant when it comes to real life, which can mean only one thing... twenty minutes of clichéd advice from a sweaty celebrity! In this episode, Teddy and his mother Cheri put their mortarboards together and rank the top seven commencement speeches ever delivered -- profound remarks from such intellectual giants as Kurt Vonnegut, David Foster Wallace, J.K. Rowling, and also most members of Teddy and Cheri's extended family. 

***P.S. Don't forget -- it's Two Roads Month, a month-long on-air celebration of Teddy’s new YA novel, Two Roads From Here, out from Simon & Schuster this June 20th. Order your copy now!

Top 7 Coming-of-Age Novels with Kit

Teddy and Kit kick off Two Roads Month* by ranking the top 7 coming-of-age novels ever written. Topics include the adult/teen relationship genre, the twincest genre, and the origin of Kit and Teddy’s favorite angsty/inspirational teenage catchphrase, “You hear that world? We’re bigger than you!!!”   

*Two Roads Month = a month-long on-air celebration of Teddy’s new YA novel, Two Roads From Here, out from Simon & Schuster this June 20th. Order your copy now!   

TEDDY'S RANKINGS

Honorable mention: Adam by Ariel Schrag, The Moves Make the Man by Bruce Brooks, Battle Royale by Koushun Takami, and The Prince of Tides by Pat Conroy

7. Election by Tom Perrotta
6. Black Swan Green by David Mitchell (also Skippy Dies by Paul Murray)
5. The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky
4. The Chosen by Chaim Potok
3. The Last Picture Show by Larry McMurtry
2. IT by Stephen King
1. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee

KIT'S RANKINGS

Honorable mention: A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L'Engle and Ready Player One by Ernest Cline

7. The Secret History by Donna Tartt
6. The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian by Sherman Alexie
5. Wingshooters by Nina Revoyr
4. Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami
3. The Miseducation of Cameron Post by Emily M. Danforth
2. The Grisha Trilogy by Leigh Bardugo
1. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith

Top 7 Badass Ways to be Vulnerable with Molina

The CosmoBros are back! Teddy welcomes love doctor and chief vulnerability officer Andrew Molina back to the podcast to rank their top seven badass vulnerability moves. Discussion topics include unleashing your inner melodrama, actually appreciating your partner's exes, and the art of giving the perfect "wug." NOTE: there are some mild static noises from about the 40 to the 60 minute mark of the podcast. (Wow, it took a lot of vulnerability to admit that to you.)

TEDDY'S RANKINGS

7. Unleash the melodrama!
6. Portkey
5. All-boy support group!
4. Schedule heart-to-hearts
3. Morning Pages
2. The Vision Quest, or "Self-Pity Stroll"
1. "Wugs"

MOLINA'S RANKINGS

7. Telling someone you like them and expecting nothing back
6. Not sending that note
5. Putting your work on display
4. Establishing boundaries in a relationship
3. Appreciating your partner's exes
2. Ending something without knowing what's coming next
1. Committing to somebody

Top 6 Murderers You Wouldn't Bring Home to Mom with Courtney

Let's belatedly celebrate Mother's Day by talking about... murder! Teddy and Courtney capitalize on society's current obsession with violent death by ranking the top 6 murderers they wouldn't take home to Mommy. Topics include murder hotels, killers who are ladieeeez, and for some reason, the Country Bears (you know, those robot bears at Disneyland, the ones that everyone hated).

TEDDY'S RANKINGS

6. Karla Homolka
5. Joji Obara
4. Gary Ridgway ("The Green River Killer")
3. H.H. Holmes
2. The Zodiac Killer
1. John Wayne Gacy

COURTNEY'S RANKINGS

6. Ted Bundy
5. Luca Magnotta
4. Diane Downs
3. Danny Hinrich
2. Casey Anthony
1. Jonathan Schmitz (The Jenny Jones killer)  

Top 10 Things Future Generations Will be Confused By with Jordan

Future Week concludes with this dystopic and delightful glimpse seventy years hence, as Teddy and his good friend Jordan attempt to predict which currently-normal facets of society our great-grandchildren will find baffling. Exciting debates include: Why would any child ever watch baseball? How close are we to a super-creepy resurgence of Eugenics? And, nerds: are they the trailblazers of tomorrow, or a big ol' waste of space?

TEDDY'S RANKINGS

10. Steve Harvey (and Steve Harvey morality)
9. Soda
8. Baseball
7. Catholic school
6. Superhero movies
5. The worshipping of data
4. Dilbert (and comic strips in general)
3. Weathermen
2. Homework
1. Doctor's office toys

JORDAN'S RANKINGS

10. Exercise
9. Religions other than Christianity
8. Hockey
7. Society's lack of Eugenics
6. Board games
5. Deciding if you like someone
4. Nostalgia (amended to "plates")
3. The financial crisis
2. Homelessness
1. How easy it is to get away with crime

Top 7 Things We'd Like to See on the New iPhone with Jefferson Graham

It's *spooky alien noise* Future Week! In this ranking, Teddy speculates on the very near future with USA Today tech columnist Jefferson Graham, host of the acclaimed podcast Talking Tech. Teddy and Jeff look ahead to this September's likely launch of the new iPhone 8, and suggest some useful and absurd features they'd like to see on the device, including unbreakable glass, Minority Report-like hand motion sensors, and a multiracial pope emoji. 

TEDDY'S RANKINGS

7. New emojis! (dinosaur, smiley with teeth missing, realistic gun, multiracial pope, multiracial barrister, Buddha, a baboon's butt, etc.)
6. I want my headphone jack back, Jack!
5. Fun photo tricks (ability to make GIF in-camera, in-camera scanner, rudimentary Photoshop -- ability to cut out heads and put them on other peoples' bodies)
4. super-heightened security/privacy (little lens cap)
3. Car mode (opt-in)
2. More intuitive photo organization (Autotrader.com commercials)
1. Minority Report-style hand motions (especially while driving)

JEFFERSON'S RANKINGS

7. Get rid of the home button
6. Real zoom in the camera
5. 24-hour battery
4. Expandable memory/storage
3. I want my headphone jack back, Jack!
2. Involuntary car mode (GPS knows where you are)
1. Unbreakable glass

Top 5 Disney Remakes We'd Rather See with Emma

Somebody’s poisoned the watering hole! In recent years, Disney has been on a mi$$ion to remake seemingly all of their animated classics, and yet if Beauty and the Beast was any indication, most of these films are destined to be, well, poor and unfortunate. Luckily, Teddy andEmma have taken it upon themselves to bring back the magic by pitching and ranking the top five Disney live-action remakes they’d *rather* see. Films include the Oscar-bait tearjerker “Dopey,” a rockin’ new reboot of “Captain Eo,” and the Nancy Meyers love-triangle romcom, “… What About Kocoum?!"

TEDDY'S RANKINGS
5. Pleasure Island (Lars Von Trier)
4. What About Kocoum? (Nancy Meyers)
3. Dopey (Tom Hooper)
2. When Somebody Loved Me... (Sam Taylor-Johnson)
1. Der Fuehrer's Face (Quentin Tarantino)

EMMA'S RANKINGS
5. The Aristocats
4. Yzma
3. Pleasure Island
2. Captain Eo
1. Disney War -- Michael Eisner's downfall with an all-female, all-animated cast

Top 8 Creative Mindhacks with Brian

What is a creative mindhack? Renowned mindhackologist -- and Teddy's brother-in-law -- Brian describes them as ways of expanding your consciousness (without the use of drugs). Join Teddy and Brian, a.k.a. "Count Curioso", as they rank their top eight cathartic and kooky mind-expanding techniques. Topics include Tarot divination, Al Roker, and imagining yourself as a clone of yourself.

 

TEDDY'S RANKINGS

8. Considering an animal's POV
7. Status dynamics (improv)
6. Casting director game
5. Looking at tall buildings
4. Parallel universes
3. 1 Second Everyday app
2. Betty Plum/Character game
1. 10 Year Journal

BRIAN'S RANKINGS

8. Memory palace/memory journeys
7. Power stances
6. Popping mental soap bubbles
5. Dreamwalk
4. Binaural beats
3. Imagining yourself as a clone of yourself
2. Tarot divination/positive paranoia
1. Active imagination/dream interpretation

 

Top 7 Unwritten Dating Rules (That You Should Break) with Molina

Unleash your inner CosmoGirl! Teddy is joined by close friend and Stanford d.school lecturer Andrew Molina to count down the top seven unwritten dating rules (that you should probably break). Topics include the importance of checking in with yourself (a.k.a. "pulling a Molina,") the fear associated with "showing your crazy," and only about two or three anecdotes that will threaten to end Teddy's marriage before it even begins.

TEDDY'S RANKINGS

7. Fear the family!
6. Money matters!
5. Show off your skills!
4. Chivalry... it's alive!
3. Oh no! Our first fight! Honeymoon's over!
2. Don't drop the L-bomb!
1. Wear scar concealer!

MOLINA'S RANKINGS

7. The guy should make the first move
6. Time-based rules (time between relationships, first kiss, first sex)
5. Your first date should involve no effort
4. Don't rock the boat too early/Don't show the crazy
3. Break-ups should be clean
2. Being rejected is bad
1. You "should" be dating/There's a right way
to date/dating is the most important thing.