The Fourth Annual Teddies! My Awards for Arbitrary Achievement in Film

Hi Icee Connoisseurs,

It's officially Oscar season, which can only mean one thing -- mass outrage! Why are all the nominees white? Where's the love for Star Wars? And am I the only one who remembers Channing Tatum's stirring turn as "Dog Person" in Jupiter Ascending?!?

We obviously can't expect the Academy voters to get these things right -- I mean, most of them are dead. Luckily, however, there exists a set of movie awards more prestigious than the Oscars, more drunken than the Golden Globes, more slimetacular than the Kids' Choice Awards...

I give you... the Fourth Annual Teddies...

 

The Miss Congeniality 2 Award for Best Airplane Movie Ever:

           "My baby! My precious Dwayne!"

           "My baby! My precious Dwayne!"

 San Andreas.

BEHOLD: my mother, Cheri Steinkellner, experiencing every single human emotion as she watches The Rock fight to save his non-ethnically-similar daughter in San Andreas. I’m pretty sure Cheri wasn’t even this moved by my own birth.

 

The My Dinner With Andre Award for Most Gripping Movie with the Seemingly Dullest Concept:

 3rd Place: Clouds of Sils Maria.

Some people run lines for a play; also, clouds.

2nd Place: Inside Out.

Eleven year-old girl moves; complains.

1st Place: The Martian.

 Guy lives alone; farms poo; reluctantly discovers affinity for ABBA.

 

               Iggy Koopa's sick-ass ride

               Iggy Koopa's sick-ass ride

The Kalimari Desert Award for Best Big Screen Adaptation of Mario Kart:

 2nd Place: Mad Max: Fury Road

 Similarities to Mario Kart: Giant spiky Bowser car, the War Boys kinda reminded me of Koopa Troopas, a girl driver (Charlize Theron, Peach) is easily the best driver (with apologies to Tom Hardy/Yoshi).

 

1st Place: Furious Seven

 Similarities to Mario Kart: EVERY SIMILARITY.

 

The Ed Harris as “Gnostic Demiurge” Award for Best Typecasting

"Eazy, sign these papers. No, don't worry about that clause that says I officially become your dad."

"Eazy, sign these papers. No, don't worry about that clause that says I officially become your dad."

Honorable Mentions: Jennifer Lawrence as “Brassy Forty Year-Old Who Doesn’t Know How to Smile” (Joy, and also all her movies ever); Nicole Kidman as “Evil Stealer of Adorable Furries” (Paddington, previously The Golden Compass); Tom Hanks as “Worried, Yet Brave Dad” (Bridge of Spies, real life, etc.),

3rd Place: Carey Mulligan as “Kindhearted British Girl From the Past Who No One Believes In” (Far From the Madding Crowd, Suffragette).

2nd Place: Tom Hardy as “Sad, Scared Mumbleface” (Mad Max: Fury Road, The Revenant)

1st Place: Paul Giamatti as “Meddling Evil Music Industry Guy Who Steals Your Money and Eats Your Lobster” (Love & Mercy, Straight Outta Compton)

 

The Chris Klein’s Mamma Mia audition tape Award for Least Convincing Performance:

 Honorable Mentions: Jason Bateman as an assy bully in The Gift; Paul Giamatti as Not an Evil Music Industry Guy in San Andreas; Will Smith as a visionary Nigerian pathologist in Concussion.

3rd Place: Louis CK as McCarthy-era communist in Trumbo

Literally all they did was dress him in overalls and a funny hat. He even said lines such as, “I need to go pick up my daughters,” and, “Before I go into this comedy club, I’m going to eat this whole pizza slice in one bite.” Fine, I made the last one up. But still, what the hell Louie!

         The one face all terrorists fear most

         The one face all terrorists fear most

2nd Place: Jim from The Office as Navy SEAL Special Ops Guy, 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi.

My favorite part was when he encased the Islamic militant sniper’s stapler entirely in Jell-O and then smirked at the camera in wry amusement.

1st Place: The entire cast of Pitch Perfect 2 as college students

It was really touching at the end when the girls held hands and sang that “you’re gonna miss me when I’m gone” song, right before they all closed their eyes and died of old age.

 

The Evil Nuns Who Taught My Dad When He Was Little Award for Catholic People Are THE WORST:

 Spotlight.

 I needed to take like five showers after this movie. And buy like, fifty indulgences.

 

The Nuns Having Fun Award for Catholic People Are THE BEST:

 Brooklyn.

Why did Eilis ever even leave Ireland?! She had the quaintest ginger life. She got to work in a bakery and shit! Horrible life decision. 

 

The Crappy Recent Spider-Man Award for Most Remakey Remake of a Movie That Already Existed

 3rd place: Jurassic World

"I didn't realize these dinos would be evil a fourth time." -BD Wong

"I didn't realize these dinos would be evil a fourth time." -BD Wong

Similarities to Jurassic Park: Overzealous foreign dino breeder guy, alpha male lead who struggles in an uncle-type role, little wiener kids who ruin everything, dino-eating-dino climax, B.D. Wong up to no good.

Differences from Jurassic Park: Sucked.

2nd Place: Star Wars: The Force Awakens

Similarities to Star Wars: important thing inside a cute robot, daddy issues everywhere, fun and irrelevant bar scene, ginormous and easily-destroyed planet, all-male toys.

Differences from Star Wars: Harrison Ford has an earring now. That’s pretty much the only difference.

1st Place: Creed.

 Similarities to Rocky: Both movies have the same exact theme—“WOMEN WEAKEN LEGS, BUT LOVE CONQUERS ALL.”

Differences from Rocky: Rocky Balboa is somehow way more coherent/articulate at the age of sixty-five-plus and after like eighty kajillion blows to the head. See, I knew the NFL was telling the truth when they said concussions aren’t bad!

 

The Marty McFly Jr. Award for Best Hat:

 2nd Place: Rooney Mara’s red/yellow/blue hat, Carol.

Admittedly, I looked way better than Rooney back when I used to rock this thing as pants during my Gymboree days.

                  Who wore it best???

                  Who wore it best???

1st Place: The big-ass sheep-herder’s hat, Far From the Madding Crowd.

The hat so manly that my dad asked for one for Christmas, only I don’t think we got one with a wide enough brim, so now we need to get him an even more masculine hat.

 

The Teen Witch Award for Funniest Movie:

 3rd Place: The Big Short

 Funny Strippers Owning Homes and Selena Gomez Describing Collateralized Debt Obligations and Us Realizing How Stupid We All Were in the Mid-2000s and Probably Still Are!

2nd Place: What We Do in the Shadows

Funny Nine-Hundred Year-Old Vampires and Contemporary Werewolf Bros and New Zealand Accents and Virgin-Eating References!

1st Place: Jupiter Ascending.

This is the most conservative outfit he wears in the movie.

This is the most conservative outfit he wears in the movie.

 Easily the most inspired comedy of the year, maybe of the century. I mean, Channing Tatum as a dog person. Mila Kunis cleaning toilets and being named “Jupiter.” Sexy Incest Siblings. An Intergalactic DMV Sequence. A pivotal scene in which Mila can destroy Earth simply by touching her finger to an iPad. EDDIE REDMAYNE WEARING OPEN-CHEST VESTS AND SCREAMING THINGS LIKE “I CREATE LIFE… AND I CAN DESTROY IT.” I’ve never laughed so hard in my life.

(What’s that, you say? Wasn’t supposed to be a comedy? Supposed to be a sobering examination of the human tendency toward excess and consumption? No. Shut up. No. You’re wrong.)

Sorry, Rey. You still win the award for "biggest random stick."

Sorry, Rey. You still win the award for "biggest random stick."

The “Do the Perfect Cast!” Award for Most Triumphant Moment

 5th Place:  When all the cars parachute from the plan, Furious Seven.

4th Place: When Paul Walker scampers off of the bus and leaps to safety just before it falls off a cliff, Furious Seven.

 3rd Place: When Vin Diesel jumps the car between two different Dubai skyscrapers, Furious Seven.

 2nd Place: When Vin Diesel miraculously comes back to life thanks to Michelle Rodriguez suddenly regaining her memory and remembering their wedding after three movies of total amnesia, Furious Seven.

 1st Place: When Rey uses the Force to summon the power of the light saber, staring down Kylo Ren, right before she—

I'm kidding, of course. Obviously 1st Place for Most Triumphant Moment is that scene where The Rock says "Daddy's gotta go to work" and uses his bulging bicep strength to break through his arm-length cast in Furious Seven.

 

All right, too much silliness! Time to stop having fun. Let's get to the real awards:

 

I will spend the rest of my life praying that the South Korean government screwed up my baby papers and actually I have a secret twin.

I will spend the rest of my life praying that the South Korean government screwed up my baby papers and actually I have a secret twin.

Best Documentary: THREE-WAY TIE! Cartel Land, Meru, and Twinsters.

To me, documentaries are all about capturing the rawest, most intense human experiences, and I’m sorry, you can’t expect me to just pick between 1.) the Mexican vigilante/drug cartel wars, 2.) the epic struggle to climb one of the world’s most lethal peaks, and 3.) discovering that you actually have a long-lost twin who just so happens to be an amazing fashion designer!

 

Best Foreign Film:

 I dunno. Krampus?

 

Best "Picking the Face From a Hallway of Faces" scene since Return to Oz!

Best "Picking the Face From a Hallway of Faces" scene since Return to Oz!

 

Best Supporting Actress: 

With apologies to the evil British babysitter who gets devoured by a pterodactyl for no reason in Jurassic World, and Dirk Nowitzki’s evil catfishing ex-fiancée in the German documentary Nowitzki: The Perfect Shot, the winner is clearly…

Alicia Vikander as Evil Naked Robot, Ex Machina. 

Not only because she was so evil, but also because I was rooting for her! I really want Evil Naked Robot to go out there and make it in the big city, in a kind of Mary Tyler Moore way. What a delight.

 

Best Supporting Actor:

Not sure if Madame Tussaud's wax statue, or...

Not sure if Madame Tussaud's wax statue, or...

All right, so everyone knows that Rocky Balboa is my favorite movie character of all-time. I cheered when he won the Cold War for America. I wept when he was single-handedly responsible for all of his best friends’ deaths. It makes me indescribably happy that Sylvester Stallone, who most recently appeared in Escape Plan and The Expendables 3 (!), is about to win a freaking Oscar (!!!).

But I’m sorry, Sly, the Teddy goes to…

LeBron James as LeBron James, Trainwreck. 

World’s best baller. World’s best dad. World's best Instagram follow. And now, world’s best actor. He’s still not clutch, obviously, but other than… GOAT.

 

Best Adapted Screenplay:

 Fifty Shades of Grey.

“Eat me. Drink me.”

–Christian Grey

 

Best Original Screenplay:

 Jupiter Ascending.

 “Each of us has the code for our optimal physical condition. The problem is our genes have an expiration date, which is transferred to ourselves. A long time ago someone figured out how to replace deteriorating cells with new ones. Today it's as easy as changing a light bulb.” 

-Kalique Abrasax

 

That's impressive mouth spittle, but it's not exactly Best Actor-worthy mouth spittle.

That's impressive mouth spittle, but it's not exactly Best Actor-worthy mouth spittle.

Best Actor:

I get that Leo slept inside a horse carcass. I get that he had, um… problems with a bear. I get that he had a really runny nose from having to be outside so much, and probably a sore throat too.

But you know what real suffering for the craft looks like? Hand-to-hand combat on an opera house balcony. Hanging by your fingers off a real life jet. LEARNING HOW TO HOLD YOUR BREATH UNDERWATER FOR THREE ENTIRE MINUTES.

The Teddy, as ever, goes to Tom Cruise, for Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation.

 

This will go proudly on the mantle next to her "Bushiest Beaver" Dundie Award

This will go proudly on the mantle next to her "Bushiest Beaver" Dundie Award

Best Actress:

I still haven’t seen Brie Larson in Room, and I was only awake for about 3 percent of Carol, and as much as I loved Saoirse Ronan’s Oi-rish accent in Brooklyn (“FECK! FECK! BETCH!”), this year’s Best Actress award undoubtedly has to go to…

Phyllis from The Office as Sadness, Inside Out.

*apathetic-yet-heart-breaking shrug*

 

Best Director

 F. Gary Gray, Straight Outta Compton.

 My favorite aspect of F. Gary Gray’s direction in Straight Outta Compton was how the film contained numerous visual and verbal references to the classic 90’s movie Friday (“Bye Felicia,” the absurd scene in which Ice Cube edits his screenplay on Final Draft, etc.).

Friday, of course, was a movie that just so happens to have also been directed by… yep, you guessed it, F. Gary Gray.

I love it! That’s some top-notch narcissism! That’s what Hollywood is all about.

 

Best Picture

This will be my exact pose if anyone is ever stupid enough to award me two Oscars.

This will be my exact pose if anyone is ever stupid enough to award me two Oscars.

Nominees: What We Do in the Shadows, Ex Machina, It Follows, Furious Seven, Mad Max: Fury Road, Far From the Madding Crowd, Inside Out, Cartel Land, Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation, Twinsters, The Best of Enemies, The Gift, Straight Outta Compton, The Martian, Sicario, Meet the Patels, Nowitzki: The Perfect Shot, Jupiter Ascending, Creed, Brooklyn, Spotlight, The Big Short, and Meru.

 And the Teddy goes to…

The one movie that was…

More epic than Star Wars…

 More manly than The Revenant

More appealingly diverse than Straight Outta Compton…

More hilarious than The Big Short

More tearjerkery than Inside Out

More truth-bomby than Spotlight…

 I think it’s pretty obvious, don’t you?

                                    WALKING DOWN THE STAIRS. #SQUADGOALS

                                    WALKING DOWN THE STAIRS. #SQUADGOALS

I used to say I live my life a quarter mile at a time, and I think that's why we were brothers -- because you did, too. No matter where you are, whether it's a quarter mile away or half way across the world, you'll always be with me. And you'll always be my brother.”
-Dom Toretto, Furious Seven