Teddy's Summer Movie Roundup!

"You had a bad day..."

"You had a bad day..."

Hello, Popcorn Enthusiasts!

So as I kill time this summer waiting for my book to come out (August 20th, people! This is happening.), I find myself going to the movies a lot. And thinking about movies a lot. And mumbling to myself incoherently about movies a lot.

And, well, I've decided to stop doing that last one. So instead of randomly whispering things to myself such as, "Gosh, that Jaden Smith sure seems sad," I'm posting all of my Summer 2013 movie thoughts on this here blog!

Maybe you'll read this, and maybe it'll help you become a little less sad. After all, you don't want to be like Jaden.

"Gluten-free leaf soup? WHERE???"

"Gluten-free leaf soup? WHERE???"

IRON MAN 3- May 3rd 

One-Sentence Summary: Quips ahoy!

Compliment: I loved the quippy banter between Robert Downey, Jr. and the tiny boy. Rule number 1 of showbiz: adults being mean to children always works. 

Complaint: No chemistry between Gwyneth and Rob. It felt like a sports bra'd Gwyneth was staring off-screen longingly at her celebrity fitness trainer during every single take, the same way Hollywood dogs stare at their trainers offscreen. (The other similarity between Gwyneth and dogs? They both love kale. Hey-o!)

Wait... I don't get it.

Wait... I don't get it.

THE GREAT GATSBY - May 10th

One-Sentence Summary: Baz Luhrmann reimagines the classic novel as a shiny orgy at Kelly Rowland's house.

Compliment: I know I just compared an actress to a dog like ten words ago, but I'm going to do it in a good way this time.Carey Mulligan, who played Daisy, was really good at making sad basset hound eyes. She looked like a Pound Puppy, which really brought the character to life for me.

Complaint: This movie felt like it was directed by an overconfident alien who came to Earth, learned how to do those fun cross-fade transitions while playing with iMovie, read the Sparknotes "Themes, Motifs, and Symbols" section for Gatsby a few dozen times instead of the actual book, and, then right before shooting the movie, told Tobey Maguire to speak exclusively in triple-fast-forward like an Alvin & the Chipmunks chipmunk. Oh, and then he barfed a million pounds of glitter on to everyone's face.

"Yooou'll be in my heeeeart"

"Yooou'll be in my heeeeart"

STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS - May 17th

One-Sentence Summary: Spock agrees to help Kirk with his math homework if Kirk will help Spock get up the courage to ask a girl out to the big dance.

Compliment: Benedict Cumberbatch was not only fantastic in this movie, but also he definitively proved for us that all British people are always evil no matter what. Good to know moving forward.

Complaint: This was only the third-best cinematic destruction of San Francisco of the past several years. Number 2? Rise of the Planet of the Apes.Number 1? A little home movie I made on a family trip a decade ago entitled, "Teddy Ballgame in... Escape from Alcatraz!" No, it's not on YouTube... but yes, it will be included in my E! True Hollywood Story.

Fast and Furious 6's Vin Diesel

Fast and Furious 6's Vin Diesel

FAST & FURIOUS 6 - May 24th

One-Sentence Summary: Mario Kart: The Movie, starring The Rock as Mario and Vin Diesel as a Koopa Troopa (doesn't he kind of look like a Koopa Troopa?).

Compliment: When I was quizzing my SAT student on vocab words, I asked her to give me an example of someone who was "aesthetically pleasing," and without missing a beat, she said, "PAUL WALKER." Which means that Paul Walker is apparently still relevant -- and lusted after by teenagers-- in the year 2013. Good for him!

Complaint: Whenever I go to one of these movies, I'm always tempted to go like 90 mph and super-swervy on the drive home, which is definitely not something I can handle. They should really ban all Steinkellners from ever seeing this film.

SAMEFACE: THE MOVIE.

SAMEFACE: THE MOVIE.

AFTER EARTH - May 31st

One-Sentence Summary: Will Smith does a shot-for-shot reenactment of I Am Legend, only this time he brings along his Sad Son Who He Forced Into Show Business Against the Poor Boy's Will.

Compliment: They did a really good job of making Will and Jaden Smith look like they have the same exact face in the After Earth poster. That's about the only compliment I can pay this movie.

Complaint: Reviewing the IMDB of this movie reveals two bone-chilling facts. Number one? "Story by: Will Smith." Number two? "Written and directed by: M. Night Shyamalan." WHAAAAAT?!?? Are you kidding me??? They're not advertising that at all! This feels illegal for some reason.

Young Clark Kent, moments before chanting his Torah portion.

Young Clark Kent, moments before chanting his Torah portion.

MAN OF STEEL - June 14th

One-Sentence Summary: Warner Brothers executives desperately try to subliminally remind us of Christopher Nolan Batman by making Superman feel vaguely dark and by getting rid of his undies.

Compliment: I always love when movie studios pretend that movies they made like five years ago just don't exist. And we the people always reward them by plunking down sixteen bucks to go see the new version of the same superhero movie that we basically just saw! It's a vicious cycle, but it's a fun cycle.

Complaint: The casting here seems a little off. Amy Adams feels like a weird choice for Lois Lane, Russell Crowe is a bit too "ONE DAY MORE TILL REVOLUTION, WE WILL NIP IT IN THE BUD,"for Jor-El, and, most importantly, judging by the trailer, Young Clark Kent's voice is waaay too high. He sounds like me at my Bar Mitzvah. Shouldn't Superman have pit hair by at least preschool?

All right. I'm sold.

All right. I'm sold.

MONSTERS UNIVERSITY - June 21st, 2013

One-Sentence Summary: Pixar attempts to make us forget that its last two movies were Cars 2 and Brave by giving us Billy Crystal playing monster beer pong. We gladly accept the terms of this deal.

Compliment: I love when kids' movies have to toe the line between, "CRAZY PARTYING!" and "NO DRINKING!" It always ends up looking a little like this. (And if you're wondering whether me posting that link led to me going down the "Kid Nation on YouTube" rabbit hole for ninety minutes, well... yes, that's exactly what happened.)

Complaint: What if this movie actually ends up being bad? I know that's more of a hypothetical than a complaint, but aren't you depressed just thinking about it? I'm sorry for depressing you.

Wait, so is this allowed?

Wait, so is this allowed?

THE LONE RANGER - July 3rd, 2013

One-Sentence Summary: Pirates of the Caribbean with horses and explode-y trains.

Compliment: I'm not sure I have any compliments for this movie, so I'll just do a bonus complaint -- why is Helena Bonham Carter in this movie?!? Is anyone eager to see her with Johnny Depp again? Tim Burton's not even directing this, so that excuse is out. Honestly, having those two be in yet another movie together is like watching your parents make out -- it's super-uncomfortable and somehow boring at the same time.

Complaint: In my opinion, Armie Hammer's gooftacular make-up in J. Edgarruined Armie Hammer forever.

Aaaand let's wrap things up with a barrage of one-sentence summaries for all the movies I didn't care enough about to give them their own sections!

The Hangover, Part III -Something unseemly happens to a wild animal. Also, lots of farts, probably!

Over-the-top Indian accent coming in 3...2...1...

Over-the-top Indian accent coming in 3...2...1...

Epic - Coolio voices a jive-talking snail in this remake of FernGully!

Now You See Me- Bank robberies and crazy magic tricks! This movie could have Mark Ruffalo in it and I would still see it. Oh wait...

The Internship -Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson have an aging contest inside of a Google microkitchen.

The Bling Ring -People who are now more famous than Paris Hilton in a movie about stealing money from Paris Hilton.

World War Z -"Thousands of Scared People Falling Down: The Movie."

Zordon, the protagonist of "Pacific Rim"

Zordon, the protagonist of "Pacific Rim"

White House Down:THAT IS PREPOSTEROUS, CHANNING TATUM DOES NOT HAVE A PUBESCENT DAUGHTER.

Pacific Rim:Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers: The Movie.

Elysium:I think Matt Damon is playing the character from Da Vinci Code who wasn;t allowed to touch himself?

Planes:Disney's cruel attempt to wipe all Thomas the Tank Engine merchandise off the face of the planet forever.

Grown Ups 2:Someone farts in a moon bounce?