MEMORY AVENUE: More Lines From my 3rd Grade Journal

HBO’s controversial new comedy “Glamorous Girls.” (It’s controversial because they’re all white.)

HBO’s controversial new comedy “Glamorous Girls.” (It’s controversial because they’re all white.)

Hi, people snooping in my diary!

So all truly great works of art must have sequels. The Old Testament had the New Testament, The Lion King had The Lion King II: Simba's Pride, and Da Vinci's Mona Lisa had Julia Roberts' Mona Lisa Smile. 

And then there is the most magnificent opus of all: my assie, fucky journal from 3rd grade. It is an exquisite document, a triumph of human creativity, and a clear example of what too many Beanie Babies and not enough friends can do to a child. And today I am bringing into the world the only thing it has been lacking: a sequel.

The 3rd-most overtly homoerotic/sexual thing I drew as a 3rd grader.

The 3rd-most overtly homoerotic/sexual thing I drew as a 3rd grader.

Basically, I went through again and found all the best crap that I didn't post last time. Have fun!

1/6/98: Dear Journal, Today was Topsy Turvy. First I started school. It was the first day I'd seen Sam since Critsmas that's 13 days!!!!! Well second After school we had chess but me and Sam had a secret. Chess Club ends at 4:30 but at 4:15 we told Teach we had to get out early (really we weren't) and then I went to his house and played video games...

Dear Journal, Today was Topsy Turvy.  Me and Sam had a secret: we're hunchback gypsies!

1/11/98: Today I'm A.J.ing (going to his house) and that's about it...

TIP: exactly 9 months till my 9th birthday

P.S. Emma is listening to Mom play guitar

The official mascots of my journal: Beano and Updater.

The official mascots of my journal: Beano and Updater.

I'm confused. Eight-year old me was excited about it being nine months until my birthday? Was I celebrating the date of my probable conception? (Also: this was the first and last time Cheri Steinkellner ever played guitar.)

1/12/98: *I think my substitute sucks!!!

Not you, Mrs. Googasmelly.

1/18/98: Dear Journal, Yesterday Sam waited in a line for 5 hours!!! But who cares, this is today.

Pretty good life philosophy if you ask me.

1/19/98: Dear Journal, Today Sam came over and...Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day.

Gotta remember the really important things in life.

“Oh, don’t mind that guy. That’s just Last Day of School Elvis.”

“Oh, don’t mind that guy. That’s just Last Day of School Elvis.”

1/27/98: Dear Journal, Yesterday was Chess + the Pinewood Derby. I won last year but dumb (I like him but not now) Ol' Thomas steels the crown. Sam is a total bragger.

P.S. Emma helped me out.

Thanks, Emma. NO THANKS TO YOU, SAM AND DUMB OL' THOMAS.

2/1/98: P.S. Today me and Emma had Ponies Non-Stop!

This was back in the days when "Ponies" meant this and not this.

2/4/98: Dear Journal, Today was Clay Class and the book fair. What happened was funny. I waited in the front awhile then nothing. So I remembered and I went inside still nothin'. So I went back out and she was there I FORGOT! She was coming at 3:30!!!

Maybe if you know who "she" is. Maybe that's what makes it funny...

The 2nd-most overtly homoerotic/sexual thing I drew as a 3rd grader. (Also: “Squirt” looks suspiciously like “Last Day of School Elvis.”

The 2nd-most overtly homoerotic/sexual thing I drew as a 3rd grader. (Also: “Squirt” looks suspiciously like “Last Day of School Elvis.”

2/5/98: Today was my Dad's B-day I got him an Adam and Eve puzzle.

Anyone who knows Bill Steinkellner understands that this would also be a perfectly acceptable gift today.

2/6/98: Dear Journal, Yesterday it rained hard! Besides Cold Springs from San Luis a Bispo to Ventura. I also slept over at Sam's. A.J. and Sam helped me (It was a 8-way sleepover)

I'm pretty sure this was the heyday of El Niño. Also, damn, I really wish I had applied to Cal Poly San Luis a Bispo. I hear there's lots of great 8-way sleepovers there.

2/8/98: It rained hard again! It feels better on a rainy day for reasons I don't know. 

Apparently eight-year old me was either Gene Kelly or a crop.

The Pantsless Freak.

The Pantsless Freak.

P.S. Emma was a Popple freak!

SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE.

2/10/98: P.S. Emma is saying to Mom, "Don't scratch me"

Anyone who read my last journal post will remember the heartbreaking time my mom yelled at Emma and called her a "TV FREAK!"

Well, the abuse continues...

2/11/98: Dear Journal, Today was busy-munga! I read for 150 muinites while Mommy went to this stupid Waldorf thing. 

I seem to have thought that "munga!" could be added as a suffix to any word in order to make said word crazy and fun!

I was correct-a-munga.

And here is my other sister, “Kit Steenkellner,” and her dog, “Dookens.”

And here is my other sister, “Kit Steenkellner,” and her dog, “Dookens.”

2/12/98: P.S. During our bath Emma kept splashing cold water.

I'm righteously indignant to find out only now that Emma and I bathed together. Yuck yuck naked baby gross!

2/14/98: Dear Journal, Yesterday Sam slept over and Mom says I had a REALLY good piano practice. Plus me and Sam and Kit had the Kidlympics. P.S. Mom (once again) fell asleep.

Thanks for all of that neglect, Mom...

2/15/98: Dear Journal, Yesterday we went to Pepi and Popi's. We were going to see I-max. But we were late and it was 2-D. 

Damn. That shit would ruin anybody's day.

SO CUTE YOU GUYS.

SO CUTE YOU GUYS.

2/16/98: P.S. Emma looked SO cute in her bundles.

I think I was just relieved to not be taking a bath with her anymore.

2/17/98: Dear Journal, Today Sam mysteriously disappeared from school. I'll ask him tomorrow.

But I never saw him again...

The Tic Tac Toe Buds

The Tic Tac Toe Buds

P.S. Me and Emma had hell a lot of shitty chips! (I'm not too hungry now)

Yeah, nothing fills you up like shitty chips.

2/19/98: I discovered 1,236 Simpsons sites. And my parents went away at night.

GODDAMN DID MY PARENTS EVER TREAT ME WELL???

2/22/98: Dear Journal, Today Alex A. came over and it was really fun. We got from 1st world Level 3 to 2nd world Boss. And we went to Borrowers. 

Dear Journal, Today was really fun. Except for the part where I had to see The Borrowers.

The “Tic Tac Toe Buds” Theme Song

The “Tic Tac Toe Buds” Theme Song

2/23/98: Beanie Update 2# Hoot is the fist ever Beanie of the Week

As I recall, Bongo and Princess Diana Bear were not pleased.

2/27/98: Dear Journal, Yesterday was Friday and at night we watched "Back to the Future II." Doc and Marty helped me.

This is pretty effing endearing, no?

3/1/98: I played 4 Beanie games and hurt my ankles. P.S. Emma watched 2 games. *Everyone hated my last game

This is pretty effing depressing, no?

3/2/98: Dear Journal, Today Sam brought his Tamogatchi game boy to school. Here are the names I remember: TEDDY, ASSIE, SAM, JIMMIE, POGO

And here it is, the most overtly homoerotic/sexual thing I drew as a 3rd grader! (Wow, someone needs his own spin-off series, and that someone’s name is Dicko)

And here it is, the most overtly homoerotic/sexual thing I drew as a 3rd grader! (Wow, someone needs his own spin-off series, and that someone’s name is Dicko)

That's so little kid, to get to name something anything you want and to ultimately settle on "Pogo" as the funniest option.

3/4/98: Dear Journal, Today I read Superfudge for 101 minutes. And in Computers where Assie Mr. Williams is we played English 3 or Snotty Pee.

All right, let's unpack this one: So I'm in Computers (where Assie Mr. Williams is), right? And I'm playing a computer game that is apparently called "English 3," right? Only I don't call it that. English 3? No way. I'm a kid who doesn't play by the rules. I use my hip, shrewd, cutting edge brain to come up with a new name for the game: "Snotty Pee."

(Man, no wonder people always told me I was going places.)

3/10/98: Dear Journal, Today I felt like I lost all my friends. Cause Max (tattle-tale) said he'd tell. Miles was a sore loser. Sam just hung out with Crybaby A.J.

P.S. Emma's a real baby

"And Mom hit me with a belt and ran away and never came home...P.S. Emma's a real baby."

Another seminal tune written by a young Burt Bucharach-in-training: “Happy Face Goes to Da Jungle”

Another seminal tune written by a young Burt Bucharach-in-training: “Happy Face Goes to Da Jungle”

3/13/98: My newest Beanie is Hissy. We also watched the Miss U.S.A. Pageant. P.S. Emma was........Emma!

3/16/98: Dear Journal, Today was Bizz-ay! I had a struggle with Kit and rode my bike for 35 minutes! And I did P.E. with Dad for double the time! P.S. Emma's takin' bathie

3/21/98: Dear Journal, 2 days ago was...CARNIVAL! It was sooo fun I can't explain well when it was closin' time me and Sam wanted to go to the cups...CLOSED. Fun Slide...CLOSED. So we went on the Babies Ride Bomber-Swing.

* Emma wanted to go on the cups but before it even started she threw a fit.

What you're supposed to draw from all of this: Emma sucked.

Honorable Mention for Most Overtly Homoerotic/Sexual Drawing: The Book Buds, Featuring “Longo,” “Shorty,” and “Thick”

Honorable Mention for Most Overtly Homoerotic/Sexual Drawing: The Book Buds, Featuring “Longo,” “Shorty,” and “Thick”

3/24/98: BIKE BULLETIN

Me and Dad went to the Bike Place. I'm getting a cool new one more reports next time -- 

Tragically, this was right around the time that journalism died, and I never was able to collect enough funds to publish a second issue of "Bike Bulletin."

3/27/98: I made little notes on my wardrobe to show who's who.

SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT THIS MEANS.

3/30/98: Dear Journal, Today was Holiday fun + fitness Camp. Our Coach is Coach Catherine. "The Silly Group" After Silly-Mania we went to Burger King. Stupid Wills and "Cameron the Clown" and EVEN Sam + me fought over THIS STUPID PURPLE-PINK BALL!* In the Ball Room. 

*My name for the ball is "Fuck"

I will never not think that this was the funniest thing I ever wrote.

4/7/98: PLAN FOR EASTER EVE

6:00 am - 10:00 am Wake-up eat breakfast play Beanies

10:00 am - 11:00 am Play Beanies outside

11:00 am - 12:00 pm Pool and jacuzzi time

12:00 pm - 2:00 pm have lunch go to library and Metro Comics with Dad go home

2:00 pm - 2:45 pm have P.E. with Dad

2:45 pm - 3:15 PM PLAY anything

3:15 pm - 5:00 pm if not doing piano lesson play

5:00 pm - 5:30 pm journalizin'

5:30 pm - whatever go to Pedaro Beach Grill with Sweneys and Woods

And that (except for a few top-secret sections that, wow, it kills me to admit this, that I really should not be sharing with the internet -- sorry for the buzzkill!) concludes my greatest work of art for now and all time.

Now, if you'll all excuse me, I'm late for P.E. with Dad! Today we're going to play some basketball.

Or, as I like to call it, "Fuck."