Hi, loyal readers/people who found my site by Googling "Anthony Davis teeth,"
So yesterday I was rummaging through my desk at home and I happened to discover this cobweb-covered gem of a primary source document: my journal from 1998, the year I was in 3rd grade.
1/5/98: This is my new journal. I don't have anything to call this but next entry I will have. Here is a few lists
Bad words I know: Shit, Fuck, Ass, Bitch, Piss, Crap
Stuff I like: Friends, Family, Elephants, Nintendo, Books, Simpsons
Stuff I hate: Whoever is looking in my journal!, Bannanas, Poachers
In 1998 (or at least for four months of 1998), my dad made me keep this journal. This proved to be an incredibly wise decision on his part, because what I wrote to myself every day back then will surely go down as the funniest words that ever came out of my brain.
In this post, I'm going to share some of the best lines and images from this magnum opus of mine. If my journal is the Bible, then I'm St. Peter, spreading its good gospel to you, the masses. Here we go!
1/5/98: LIST OF NAMES FOR THE JOURNAL
Sam, Elephant, Chuck, Journal, Homer, Bongo, Frederick
AND THE WINNER IS...envelope please
...wait the real winner is JOURNAL!
P.S. Today Emma skittered around like a maniac. (Like she always does) Emms also called me a chicken cheeseball
Emma is my little sister, who yesterday celebrated her 18th birthday. Oddly enough, everything that she did as a three-and-a-half-year-old in my journal (watched Care Bears, watched My Little Pony, called me a "chicken cheeseball") just sounds like things she does as eighteen-year-old nowadays (watches Care Bears on Youtube, watches My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, calls me a "dork ding").
1/7/98: Last ep of Wonder Years on. P.S. I did not see much of Emma today but what I did was crazy.
Unclear why eight-year-old me gave a shit about The Wonder Years.
1/12/98: Dear Journal, Yesterday I waited 7 hours for nothin'. But at least Tomorrow I'm goin to Sam's.
1/15/98: Dear Journal, Today we had a fire alarm, a Cub Scout Meeting, and a world bouncing championship. It's one of those days that makes you wanna be human.
Apparently the most depressing day of my life and the most euphoric day of my life occurred just three days apart from each other.
1/21/98: Dear Journal, Today was not too exciting. I had knowone over. But homework was like a sinchy pig! P.S. Emma is giving Dad a pretend flower.
1/26/98: Dear Journal, Today Mrs. Googamelly (or as the kids in school call her, "Googasmelly") substituted.
1/29/98: Dear Journal, Today I got a new Beanie Baby. He is Smoochy the frog. This was the first day without the tire swing.
And from that day on, I referred to all dates by denoting them as either "B.T.S." (Before Tire Swing) or "A.T.S." (After Tire Swing)
2/7/98: It is the true first day of da Nagano '98 Winter Olympics.
And from that day on, I referred to all dates by denoting them as either "B.D.N.98.W.O." (Before Da Nagano '98 Winter Olympics) or "A.D.N.98.W.O." (After Da Nagano '98 Winter Olympics)
2/15/98: Dear Journal, Today was my first day of Aikido at the YMCA. Do you know what was mean. I couldn't do some fuckin' crunches and Sam laughs at me.
You know, Sam, they have anti-bullying laws to guard against this kind of stuff now...
2/18/98: IF I HAD ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD I'D BUY...
5. I'd waste all of it to buy love
4. 50 copies of each and every Beanie Baby
3. Santa Barbara
2. The Declaration of Independence
1. an Elephant
My priorities have changed since then, but only slightly. I'd probably take love over the Beanie Babies now, but I'd much sooner spend all of my money on an elephant than on (eww, gross, shudder) love.
2/19/98: Dear Journal, Yesterday was crummy. But I got to have a milk bath at the end.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL THIS IS REFERRING TO.
2/20/98: I saw my Jay Leno episode of Simpsons.
Apparently Third-Grade-Journaling Me was the world's first Media-Savvy-and-Snarky Blogger.
2/24/98: The funniest thing happened. Me and A.J. were playing and there was this fake deer and 2 fucky 2nd graders were going boooo and we were scared.
I love myself for having written this.
3/2/98: I just told Dad that scolding animals is wrong. UPDATE: I just peed in my pants. I'm glad fucky/shitty Kit didn't see.
I looooooove my fucky/shitty self for having written this!
3/5/98: Today Emma blew out on Care Bears and Mom said "YOU LOOK SO INNOCENT WELL YOU'RE A T.V. FREAK!" or something like that when Emma just wanted to be loved.
This journal entry concludes with a drawing of a broken heart. I'm pretty sure I could get my mom sent away for good based on this journal entry.
3/7/98: Dear Journal, Yesterday I got the computer game of my dreams: Virtual Springfield. I owe Mom 500 kisses.
I still probably owe her a ton of kisses because this was right around the time when my mom got sent away forever for not letting Emma watch Care Bears and calling her a T.V. Freak.
3/8/98: Today we are going to see Joseph and the Amazing Technicoat of Many Colors.
Needless to say, my title is better.
3/9/98: 44 kisses to go.
3/14/98: Yesterday we went to see Sarah's play. It was almost as long as Titanic!
Apparently in third grade I went through a big "making topical jokes like a late-night comedian" phase.
3/17/98: Dear Journal, Today was St. Patrick's Day -- Alex Armstrong wasn't wearing green! The substitute said I had beautiful eyes. (duh)
P.S. I cleaned Emma's room to get 90 cents to buy Octopunk the Meany Baby
I wish I could go back in time and say, "Kid, don't bother doing those chores. Trust me, Octopunk the Meany Baby is not worth it."
3/18/98: Dear Journal, I seem to have taken an interest in bike riding. Now I'm a Champ!
"I seem to have taken an interest in bike riding"...Was there ever anyone more deserving of a punch in the face than Third Grade Teddy???
3/22/98: Dear Journal, Yesterday A.J. came over and we played with my Sponge Gun paintball which I bought 4 250 tics (10 left). And I did the Beanie Baby fashion show. And I got to be in part of Book Club.
Beanie Baby fashion show! Banner day in the Steinkellner household.
3/26/98: Dear Journal, Today I made a big fuss since I didn't get a real Beanie so
my Mom gave me 1 Picnic the monkey (fake) and Prance the cat (real).
Today I started this thing called "Beanie Wardrobes" where Beanies help me choose my clothes.
HAPPY MANATEE APPRECIATION WEEK
There are just...no...words...
4/4/98: Dear Journal, Today me and Sam saw Lost in Space. It was the coolest movie! Meanwhile Emma saw the Barney movie with fuckin' Twinken.
All right, and finally, at the end of my journal there's a "Bad Things Section" in which I write down bad stories that shouldn't be seen in the main part of the journal. Now, I'm talking bad things. Like, real bad shit. Like, shit that once you see it, you can't unsee it. Shit like...
A assie kid named C.J. pulled the alarm when I went up to him he went "no."
And that is that! All of my eight-year-old hopes, dreams, fears, and knowledge of curse words -- exposed to the internet (or as I knew it back then, "AOL") , for everyone to see.
You guyyyyssss! I can't believe you read my journalllllll! I'm gonna get you all for this. I'm gonna have you sent away just like my Mom.
Okay, okay, but really...
Thanks for reading my journal. You guys are the greatest. You stay assie, everybody.